Where is my Mother?

Like all birds that fly away from their nest in the morning and return in the evening, I also return home from daily slogging at my office. A regular evening at my humble home with my daughter.  I was sipping a cup of filter coffee while with my daughter. This is the father-daughter ritual that we have never failed to do in the last 8 years. Even when she was 1, I used to just stare at her and sing her some self-made funny songs. She used to look at me with her small, round eyes and wonder what in the world Dad was singing! She was painting when I returned from the office. I was watching her hands carefully glide through the canvas and give life to a half-dead pencil sketch. Children grow up so fast. I still remember holding her little fingers and kissing her rosy toes, and now she is 8. A big girl who learned how to express emotions through painting and colours. I was engrossed in our sweet conversation when my phone rang. I checked the number; on the screen, it was Roohi.

 I could feel the sudden surge of anger rising inside me. I asked her not to call me again. Why the heck was she calling me again? I didn’t want to stay in touch with her. Why doesn't she understand I can't stand up to her expectations? She was asking for too much, and I was not ready for it. My daughter is the only person to whom I can offer my love. How could I tell her that I do not have the heart to love anyone apart from my daughter? The fact is, I have never loved anyone else more than my daughter, but Roohi is someone I can't even hate.

My daughter Kuhu has no memory of her mother; ever since she was young enough to understand the difference between a man and a woman, she has had me. A strong man with a beard and muscles holding her strongly in his arms. She doesn't know about the tender touch of a woman. She hasn't had her mother singing lullabies to her, and maybe she wishes she had all these experiences. That’s why Kuhu quickly fell in love with our neighbour Roohi. My heart ripped as I thought of separating Roohi and Kuhu, but I had no choice. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I had to do it so that none of them would be hurt.

While I was dealing with the marathon of various thoughts, I stared at my phone blankly, trying to process whether I wanted to answer the phone or not. Once, I thought I would answer the phone and shout at Roohi so that she would never call me, and then I thought I would just talk as if nothing happened and completely ignore her. My daughter looked at the phone and said, "Dad, take the call, it's Roohi Aunty, please, please ask her if she will be home tomorrow at 4 pm, I want to play with her after school". My daughter's innocent request made the decision even harder. I had no choice but to answer the phone call. I asked my daughter to excuse me for a minute and promised her I would ask Roohi if she would play with her.

 I promised myself I would be nice to Roohi, but ended up shouting at her, "What do you want now? Didn't I make it clear that I am still in love with my wife? Yes, she left me, but that doesn't mean I have stopped loving her. Please leave me alone, I can't do this. This is impossible! And tell my daughter you won't meet her, that's it". After a minute of my crazy ranting, I paused to understand if Roohi was saying anything. I could hear nothing but a gentle sob on the other side of the phone. She could hardly utter “I just called you to inform you Kuhu had a fever this afternoon and she needs some antibiotics. I ..I received a call from her school because you weren't available on the phone”.

The call disconnected, and I regretted shouting at Roohi from the core of my heart. She was just trying to inform me about my daughter's fever. It hasn't been easy for me to be a single dad all these years. Sometimes my meetings are too long, and it was I who provided the school with Roohi's number as an alternate contact, and she stepped in to offer her love and care. After all, she was very close to me until she confessed her love for me.

 I felt like a criminal separating my daughter from a woman who loved her so much. Yes, I love my daughter from the core of my heart. She is everything I have in my life, and I can't imagine anything without her. But is that enough? How could I miss the call from her school? Roohi was just trying to help me, but how would I make her understand that she would regret her decision to love me every day if she imagines her life with me? It's not that I don't feel for her, but she would hate me if she knew who I am. All these years I have lived away from my parents and home for a reason I can't explain to this world. I feel I have almost forgotten the faces of my parents. I want to see my mother, but I am a prisoner of my body, and probably even if I stand in front of my mother, she wouldn't recognise me. 

"Dad, are you crying?" I felt a gentle pull at the corner of my kurta and realised Kuhu saw me crying. I forced a reluctant smile and said, "Nope, some things just got into my eyes, sweety". I touched her forehead to inspect if she still had a fever. Thankfully, she was fine. She asked me, "Dad, can I meet Roohi Aunty after school today?". I didn't know how to react. My brain said no, but my lips just said “yes,” looking at her innocent eyes. She jumped with joy and hugged me saying, "You are the best dad in this whole world.  Kuhu's words rang in my ears, and as much as I felt happy, I knew a part of me was telling me, Nilanjan, it's not good to keep secrets. 

That night, I hugged my daughter tightly and tried to sleep. Mr Nilanjan Thakur could be a well-known businessman in this world, but only I knew who was behind this mask of a happy and successful Nilanjan. As I hugged my daughter, I wanted to forget Nilanjan and be myself. I wanted to remember how I felt when I held my daughter for the first time after she was born. The smell of my newborn, her tender hands, and the strong grip of small fingers. She is the only one who makes me remember who I am. Kuhu is the only person who could make me feel like myself. 

The blowing of the alarm and the sound of raindrops smashing against my window woke me up. I looked at the time, and it was already 9 am. I jumped out of my bed and started getting ready. Kuhu also woke up as I left the bed and shouted It's 9:10, I am gonna be so late for school. I yelled, "Yes, baby, go get a shower, I'm making breakfast". I tried to make something nice, but my toast burnt, and the pancakes turned into an African map with the topography of the moon. As soon as I served it to Kuhu, she looked at me and we both laughed at it. I promised her I would bring her a pizza that evening, and we would enjoy a nice dinner together. 

It rained all day as if all the clouds of this world suddenly wanted to get rid of all the water they had, nowhere but over my city. I somehow managed to drop by Dominos and get Kuhu and me a pizza as promised. These days, I feel it takes an eternity for the day to end and the sun to sink so that I can return home to my daughter. I drove through the mad traffic, watching the crazy rain almost blinding my vision, washing up roads, cars, trees, and buildings all at the same time. My daughter’s round face with complaining eyes popped into my head. My failure in serving her a good breakfast stabbed my heart. Roohi’s concerned voice, “Kuhu needs her mother as well”, was echoing in my head. Would she have been a better mother who could have cooked better than I for Kuhu? Is only one parent good for Kuhu? Doubts clouded my thoughts as if the weather outside possessed my thought process to tell me how incompetent I was.

I almost drove past my front porch, but then I noticed all the lights of my house were off. Oh no, no no, there must be a power cut! I parked my car somehow and started yelling "Kuhu, are you ok beta? Is there a power cut, sweetheart? Don't worry, Dad is home. Everything will be ok, sweetie". But surprisingly, there was no reply from Kuhu. I was anxious since Kuhu is very scared of the darkness. My mind raced. I ran to my door and found a note in the letterbox. It was from Roohi, "Sorry, I had to take Kuhu to my place. She called me because it was dark. She was sitting with the mobile torch on". My daughter was too little to handle all these, and I haven't hired any house help as well. People kept suggesting I hire someone to look after Kuhu in my absence, but then I couldn't leave my daughter with a stranger and the nooks and corners of my house unprotected.  

I picked up Kuhu's raincoat and walked towards Roohi's house to bring Kuhu back. She deserves an apology big time. The rain worsened the traffic, and I couldn't drive as fast. I knocked on Roohi's door, and a voice answered me from inside, "It must be Nilanjan, Chameli, open the door". Chameli welcomed me in, but I said, No, I won't go in. Please, just call Kuhu, and I will leave.

A male voice demanded I "Come in, Nilanjan. We have something to discuss". I poked my head in to find out who it was and saw an unfamiliar face. At that point, I was a little mad, I brought pizza for my daughter, and it was getting cold. I came to pick her up, but instead of sending my daughter back home, someone wanted to discuss something with me. What the heck could be so important? 

I walked in and asked the man, "Sorry, who are you? And what do we have to discuss "? My eyes fell on the sofa where Kuhu was sleeping peacefully, resting her head on Roohi's lap. Roohi’s eyes met mine, and she said, "Sorry, I forgot to introduce. "Nilanjan, meet my brother Arjun, he visits me sometimes. Today, there was a horrible murder in the area. I was so scared that I had to pick Kuhu from home. Arjun was on a round, so he came by. He is investigating these murders, actually".

Murders! I yelled. I looked at Arjun with wonder in my eyes. Arjun said, "Yes Nilanjan, it's not just one but two ladies were already killed in consecutive weeks. We think it could be a serial killer. Although we are still investigating but looking at the kind of weapon used for murder and the age of the women, it does seem like both murders had similar patterns. However, we still need to do a thorough investigation. By the way, Kuhu is just 8. Why didn't you hire a nanny for her? I heard from Roohi that she is almost alone at home for 3 hours every day. Do you have any idea how serious it could be? Especially when a murderer is on the loose in this area". 

A murderer! I mumbled. Chills ran down my spine as I looked at the innocent face of my little angel. Niranjan, you must hire a nanny and a watchman to keep your daughter safe. Also, if you could just pick up your daughter from school rather than depending on the school bus, it would be better for the time being until we arrest the criminal, said Arjun. Kuhu opened her eyes and ran to hug me "Dad, I was so scared. There was a power cut". 

I knew I had to reply to Arjun, and he was right. Although I have my issues, hiring someone to look after Kuhu, leaving her alone at home, won't be a good choice either. I thanked Arjun for his suggestion and picked up Kuhu in my arms. As I walked home, fear, doubt, and confusion made me feel dizzy, but I had a pizza with my daughter. I had to gulp down the ball of fear in my throat and force a smile. Kuhu held my face and asked, “Dad, did you bring pizza? The cheese burst one?”. With a trembling voice, I said yes, Dear!

 My daughter's joyful face temporarily dissolved my anxiety about the crime in the area, and we enjoyed our pizza together. But joy was short-lived as my phone buzzed, my hands trembled after seeing the number on my screen "DR Singhaniya" I murmured "What this time?".

Want to know why Nilanjan couldn't reciprocate to Roohi's love? Why was he scared of DR Singhaniya's calls? What was Nilanjan's true identity, and why Kuhu never seen her mother? Then stay tuned!